Thursday, May 9, 2013

London Ontario Cyclist Profile: Beard Guy

Hey all! I've been riding my bicycle to work every day as usual here in London Ontario, but haven't felt creative about the blog lately. That appears to be changing a little. I am pleased to announce a whole new post series, London Ontario Cyclist Profile! In this series I will be presenting completely fictional interviews with some of the real cycling characters I meet on the bike path or street.
If one day you see yourself in this series, the only way to disabuse people of my outrageous notions regarding you and your life will be to contact me and answer the interview questions yourself. Or just ask me to take down my heinous guesses at your life story. Whichever. I like option one better though, don't you? Way funner. Yes, funner. Oh, you don't like that? Well, "more fun" then. Happy? Happy you dominated my writing style with your "proper" English uptightedness? Yes, uptightedness! You *hole... how could you? I thought we were friends!

Anyway, in this the first of what may be many London Ontario Cyclist Profiles, we feature a person who rides often, because I ride often and I often see him. Like, often. In my mind I just call him "Beard Guy":

Interview Time!
RW: Hey, Beard Guy! What's your real name?
BG: Otis MacGregor!
RW: Wow, great name. Any relation to the inventor of the "Safety Elevator"?
BG: Otis is my first name, you idiot. Elisha Otis has nothing to do with me or my family.
RW: Beg pardon, really. I suffer from a speaking before thinking thing. Tell me, how long did it take you to grow that awesome red beard?
BG: I don't know. A while.
RW: Well, it is pretty damn nice. May I touch it?
BG: No way, you freak! Interview over, weirdo.
RW: Wait! Wait... I'll stop with the beard fixation, I promise. Tell me, have you always been a big bike rider?
BG: No, not any more than most. As a kid I always loved to ride my bike, but it is only in the last couple years that I stopped driving my Monster Truck (GuzzleMageddon II) and started taking my vintage 10 Speed to work and back. I really like it.
RW: I'll bet! Cycling rocks. Hey! Any hobbies?
BG: Lemme think... I like growing cacti. The more painful to the touch the better. Also I'm an amateur awesome bike path photo model.

 click pic for big version
RW: Hey, you're very good at that! Job?
BG: I am a physics professor at UWO. No tenure or anything like that, of course; I'm still young. I'm hoping to publish soon, a study on "darquarks" that might win me the Nobel. Dark Matter Quarks, man. Its enough to blow anyone's mind.
RW: Huh? You lost me there.
BG: Don't worry, I get that a lot.
RW: Tell me one more thing about yourself, something that nobody would ever guess.
BG: Hang on, let me think. Sh*t, I don't know, man. I'm a pretty open book. Maybe that I once saw a meteor hit the earth? I think I did, anyway. I was pretty high on those tiny cinnamon flavoured hearts at the time. I must have eaten like 300 of those things.
RW: OK then! Otis, thank you for talking to me today. I hope I continue to see you out riding that bike!
BG: Oh, you will. Riding my bike is the like the best thing I do now. I would go totally mental without that daily ride, you know?
RW: Believe me, I know. I really really do. Thanks again!
-- end of fake interview --
Mwahh ha ha haaaa! I am going to totally enjoy doing more of these. Remember, the above interview is totally fake and for stupidity purposes only. If you are "Beard Guy", aka Otis MacGregor, drop me a line! It would be awesome to hear from the real you!
Yer Pal,


RoadQueen said...

I really, REALLY like your newest subject ideas. :) Question: If one of us readers happens to capture a photo of an interesting individual, may we, ahem, "phone one in"?

Allowing you to perform the interview, of course.

John said...


RANTWICK said...

Thank you, RoadQueen! I would welcome your submissions with 2 caveats: the person must be on a bicycle and you must provide the City they were photographed in so I can title the post accordingly.

RoadQueen said...

Done and done!!!

TrevorW�� said...

Great stuff.! I really enjoy a serious interview :-)

GreenComotion said...

Super cool...quarks and quirky interview...yay!

Paz ;)

RANTWICK said...

Tks TW and Chandra

Steve A said...

So are YOU going to grow a beard?

Anonymous said...

This is a great idea. I have a few photos that would be eminently suitable for an imaginary interview, I hope I can find them and sent them to you. Vicki

anniebikes said...

I'm going to like this series...thanks Mr. Rantwick. I'll be on the lookout for appropriate photos for you. We get some pretty stellar far out ridin' dudes around here. Just up your alley.

RANTWICK said...

Uh oh... I fear an onslaught of submissions now. I've already gotten a couple. Be patient with me please!

RoadQueen said...

We're patient, Rantwick! Good things take time!

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