Click Clack: I Ain't Pretty

The click-clack of some cycling shoes or boots is usually mildly annoying or entertaining, depending on your outlook. There are times, however, when those sounds create disappointment or discomfort and even possible revulsion for others.
Allow me to explain. Most mornings I run a little late. Although I have some old runners (sneakers, trainers, whatever) that I keep where I leave my bike at work, I rarely change into them because I'm in a hurry. As a result I click-clack through the office when I arrive and leave most days. When you can see me coming, no problem. But what about when you can't see me, as happens when I leave the office? At this point I think a diagram may help explain:

I think many of you now know where I'm going with this, but just in case, I have created a video to illustrate the problem...

That, by the way, was really me superimposed on that hallway. I'm not sure who I pity more, myself or them. I need to leave myself more time in the morning, I think.

Walk the walk, baby.

R A N T W I C K

Sweet and Sour

Frequent visitor and commenter Steve A has described a "line of sweetness" on his blog, which is the line he likes to ride in when taking the lane. I would like to claim that I was experimenting with lane position and taking video like Keri and Mighk did recently, but the truth is that during a mental/riding lapse I discovered what I consider the "line of sourness" yesterday morning on my way to work. I don't normally ride the "line of sourness". I'll show you what happens in a second, but first, a picture to make clear where these lines are:

Steve A's visage used without permission. I hope he's not the litigious type...

As you can see, I wasn't hugging or riding in the gutter at all. What happens when you ride the line of sourness is that most cars see you and straddle lanes to pass. The trouble is that the odd car will try to pass you within the lane. In the video that follows, you'll see how close that can be and hear my reaction, a reaction I must say I'm rather proud of:

Did you hear that? No profanity, reasonably calm. No hand gestures either, by the way. I am getting better at finding my road zen. I have a pretty high tolerance for close passing, but that was too close even for me. Video from the bars makes all cars look close, but that white car had to be about 6 inches away and was moving fast. Cyclists often complain about being "buzzed"; unlike some I'm not convinced it is something most drivers do out of hostility. I think many treat the painted line like a wall, and if their car will fit between me and it, even by a small margin, they will drive through that gap. I wouldn't do it now, of course, but when I was young and stupid, I did it too. It had nothing to do with any animosity toward cyclists and everything to do with an overconfidence in my ability and a desire to go fast.

I don't think it is fair to rant and rave about people doing something I've done myself, whether it was eons ago or not. That's why the arguments made against a "culture of speed" really appeal to me. They attempt to address root causes rather than just calling individual people mean names.

I find the centre of most lanes I use every bit as good as the rest (not usually rough or oily) and for me, that is probably my own personal line of sweetness.

Keep it Sweet,

R A N T W I C K

Encounters with Rantwick, episode ten: Industrial Bright And Tragic

My cycling specific garb for winter riding has been joined by several bits of industrial work wear lately, three bits to be precise. One thing I've begun wearing only recently is a pair of clear safety glasses:

I really like my clear goggles for cold weather riding, but that's the problem. This year it has become dark during my commute without becoming cold enough to warrant the goggles, which can be quite warm when you're working much. So, I tried the clear safety glasses, and I must say I quite like them.

The next item is one that I haven't really felt the need to use until recently. My work has had me commute to some new and different locations lately, some of which force me to ride on some roads that most sensible cyclists would rather avoid. I wasn't feeling quite visible enough some of the time on these roads, so I added a reflective vest to my usual getup:

I must say that I like what the vest does, but I hate wearing it. It makes me feel like a nerd, which is totally stupid because Mutant Winter with her pink cables and plastic tub have already completely established that I AM a nerd, so why should I care? Perhaps I attach more importance to clothing; after all "clothes make the man", right? If that's true, do "gloves make the hands"?

I've never really believed that specialty mitts or gloves, like "lobster claws" and stuff like that were necessary for winter riding, as evidenced by the stuff I was forced to retire thanks to being worn out:

I've only had those $5 gloves for about a month! I must have super strong thumbs. Damn video games!

I came across my replacements when I was at a work wear place buying jeans. I am really excited about these (not a nerd. right.) because they may well be the perfect winter cycling glove despite the fact that they were not designed for the purpose:

They are fuzzy on the inside, the backs are a knit material and the palms and fingers are rubberized. They are extremely grippy on the handlebars regardless of weather conditions. Last but not least, they are really hi-vis! I have read Steve A and others talk about lights to make wrists or hands visible so that their signals don't get missed; these wouldn't do in the summer of course, but in the dark of winter when these things might matter most, I think they are a pretty darn good solution. Last but not least, they were $16. But never mind all that. These things make me look cool, because they make my hands and fingers look like those of Master Shake:

If you don't know who Master Shake is, shame on you. You are so un-cool. I didn't know who he was either, but a young colleague of mine said my hands looked like his in those gloves, so I looked him up. I don't get the channel needed to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force, but I really wish I did... it seems like my kind of strangeness.

OK, where was I? Ah yes, I was stylin' in my industrial evolution:

So, I am Industrial Bright and lookin' special. Where's the Tragic? I was in my full industrial bright splendour when the following occurred:

The tragedy lies not in the fact that the truck driver didn't like me being where I was and using his air horn. The tragedy is that for reasons I can't explain, I lost my temper and flipped him off very clearly with my new hi-vis finger held high for his rear-view mirror. He didn't miss that signal, because he touched his brakes for no reason while I did it, like he might stop for a chat. I know lots of cyclists would consider that pretty normal, but it isn't for me. That was the first time in my many years of driving and cycling that I have ever given someone the bird, and therein lies the tragedy. I pride myself on keeping my cool and refraining from reacting to stuff like that dude's air horn. Civility is important and as my Mother would say, two wrongs don't make a right.

Keep Yer Cool. Until Next Time,

R A N T W I C K

Hey, Nice Lid!

I drink a fair bit of coffee. I do not attempt to buy, carry or consume coffee while I'm commuting on my bike like some do. Nonetheless, I frequently buy coffee from Tim Horton's, Starbucks, etc. when I'm in the car, and Mrs. Rantwick and I are more likely to go buy take-out coffee than to brew a pot at home. How lame is that?

Anyway, here in London Ontario, McDonald's has been giving away free coffee again. I suppose the only way they can combat the popular notion that their coffee sucks is to give some of the new stuff away. I had a free cup on Saturday morning, and that ridiculously iconic restaurant chain has really pulled out all the stops this time.

The coffee was fine, better than any I've had from McDonald's before. It was as scorchingly hot as the last cup I had from there about 5 years ago. Does anybody know if the old lady suing McDonald's for serving hot coffee story is true or urban legend? I guess I could snopes it up, but I'm too lazy. I believe it though... everybody expects coffee to be hot, but not leave-it-alone-for-half-an-hour-if-you-want-to-keep-your-tongue hot. I'm not complaining; the stuff was good once it was down to a drinkable temperature.

What really struck me about the free coffee was not the coffee, but the lid. I am very interested in coffee lid design. Remember the days before plastic lids with sippy holes, or the perforations to create them? The first time I saw somebody manually create a sippy hole in a plastic coffee lid while riding in a work truck, it was a revelation. These days, of course, most plastic coffee lids offer this option, but the McDonald's lid brought even more to the table. Bear with me now, because without a review of the other offerings, this post would just be short and boring. As any of my more regular readers can attest, long and boring is more my thing.

First up, THE dominant Canadian coffee and donut chain, Tim Horton's:

Sippy hole perforation, works well most of the time, but sometimes I need to rip the tab right off because it won't stay locked down. Branding on lid.

Now, the US-based competition, Starbucks:

Starbucks doesn't bother with custom-branded lids, or perforations and tabs. They just assume that if you're using a lid, you want a sippy hole. In terms of pure function, this is my favourite lid. Aesthetically, though, they look kind of nasty when coffee dries on the lid after you use it. I washed this one off before photographing it. Dark brown like the other lids would be better.

The long-established chain Country Style Donuts:

I don't know who designed their lid first, but as you can see, Country Style's is almost identical to Tim Horton's. The sippy hole tab, however, stays down better.


OK, so what about this free coffee from McDonald's? Its lid was something else entirely:

Leave it to McDonald's to design a lid that reaches deep into your mind with hypnotic voodoo eyes on a face straight out of some deep and ancient ancestral memory, with a sippy hole tab/nose that stays down better than any I've ever used before.


Sorry, all you other coffee lid contenders. Only the McDonald's lid makes a face, and only a face can be crowned with some dinosaur head!

This reminds me of an ewok. I'll bet McDonald's knew that some dude with a blog would put hair on a picture of their coffee lid, and they didn't want to miss the opportunity to cash in on some of the most pervasive pop-culture imagery ever. Man, talk about market research...

In case that last theory got you wondering, yes, I did go to a bunch of coffee places to get comparison lids after seeing the freebie lid from McDonald's and conceiving of this post and yes, I bought and drank a large coffee from every one. YeeeeeHaaaaa! See you again after the inevitable crash.

Am I Jittery? No, not at all!... now stop vibrating like that, you freaks!

R A N T W I C K

PS - A reader sent me a lid pic from a growing Ontario coffee chain, Coffee Culture. As tempting as it is, no face, no dinosaur head; here it is:

You know what? I will add a picture of any and all coffee lids (except repeats) that anyone cares to email me or link via comment. This post could become a coffee lid dictionary!

I've Got a Question

image source: torontoist.com

I recently read a post on ibiketo.ca that spoke of some new promises to crack down on people who park in bike lanes. I've got nothing against bike lanes where they are practical, but I don't think it is as simple as painting some lines and saying "don't stop or park here". When you put bike lanes all over the place, you effectively make all curb sides a no stopping zone, so here's my question: where are cars supposed to pull over for a second? Where the alternatives to parking in the lane are limited, the temptation to use them for quick stops will be very hard for most to resist.

It is easy for people who never drive to answer "I don't care where they stop, so long as it is not in my bike lane". Should people who need to make a delivery or run into a shop in a downtown core go find a full-blown parking spot and pay for it? It simply isn't practical, and the lengths people might go to in order to stay out of heavily policed bike lanes could cause different kinds of traffic snarls that are just as bad for everybody.

How would us cyclists like it if we were only allowed to lock our bikes to designated racks because they were getting in the way of pedestrians? No poles, no sign posts, nothing like that. It would greatly reduce the wonderful flexibility of our vehicles. Would that be cool with everyone? Cars are inflexible to begin with, and not being allowed to pull over for short periods makes them even more so.

Regulars on this blog know that I ride my bike to work and back every single day. I am not "pro car" by any means. Cars and trucks, however, aren't going away any time soon, and making it harder for people to move around and conduct their business just doesn't make sense to me. In an ideal world there would be way fewer cars, more transit and cycling and walking, lower speeds and increased civility. Even when we get there, however, vehicles are going to need someplace to pull over once in a while.

In a great many areas of most cities, there will often be an alternative to blocking a bike lane, and where alternatives exist, drivers should be penalized for being lazy or selfish by blocking the lane. In areas like Toronto's downtown core, however, I just don't see any value in it or, frankly, the bike lanes themselves. Downtown traffic is slow. Cyclists don't need bike lane protection in downtown cores (or anywhere else, for that matter, but that's another, bigger, issue). They can find greater safety riding in and among traffic, especially if they avoid messenger style riding and behave like the cars, or more accurately, behave like cars driven by law abiding, civil drivers.

That's it, I've got to pull over and mellow out.

R A N T W I C K

How to Hold Your Mutant

Recently while riding in to work in the morning I was caught off guard by how cold it was. Most of me was fine, but my bare hands (fingers in particular) were aching. It was one the first days that I was riding "Mutant Winter". I have decided to rename her "Mutant Winter" because I really like saying and typing "Mutant Winter". Mutant & Winter are two excellent words when used together. Firstly, they describe pretty much how the cycling (especially in the worst parts) of winter feels. On the coldest days I look much like a scuba diver, sans snorkel: mutant. On the heaviest snow days I am the only cyclist for miles around: mutant. My bike is a fairly nice dirt jumper transformed into a weirdly fendered, pink cabled, plastic-tub-carrying abomination: mutant. Secondly, it sounds like an excellent name for certain kinds of bands, or maybe a nice scary movie...

background image used with permission from: the-becka.blogspot.com In an act of abnormal respect of copyright, I discovered that the blog from which I grabbed the image was authored by a woman not far from me, here in Southern Ontario! Her stuff isn't for everyone, but I thought it was pretty cool.

Anyway, my hands were really cold, and I had no mitts or gloves with me. So, in true mutant fashion, I grabbed a pair of old spare socks out of my way groovy blue Winter Mutant tub, and stuck 'em on my hands. Nothing says "mutant" like sock hands. That did the trick for the coldness, but shifting was difficult because my thumb was trapped. If only the sock on my right hand had been blessed with the hole I found on my left hand, all would have been well. Please do not comment on how how I could have switched the socks. I had already stopped once to put them on, and I wasn't stopping again, no way. In addition, that would have placed the baggy heel part on the top, which totally goes against my personal rules of hand sock fashion (I honestly thought that to myself at the time, god help me). My left hand sock action was great, so much so that I put it back on and took a picture when I was home that evening:

So, the answer to the age-old question "how should I hold my mutant?" is finally fully clear to me: with sock hands. When you think about it, what other answer could there possibly be?

Please don't stop reading this blog because I am a mutant in thought, deed and written word...

M U T A N T W I C K

PS - I came this close to registering mutantwinter.com and throwing a web page up just for fun, in case anybody tried to go there. I managed to resist, without any help from my sweet wife. I guess I'm not 100% mutant just yet...

The Perils of Cycling - Dinosaur Head

I keep my hair pretty short, and one benefit of that is that I don't get terrible "helmet head" most of the time. When I'm overdue for a haircut, however, I get what I and my kids call "dinosaur head".

For those of you who might prefer my online visage, it translates to this:



Pasting that hair onto my Rantwick face was really fun, so fun that I thought I would try it some more. How about dinosaur head Prime Minister Stephen Harper?
Or Nicolas Cage?
Or, (I hope he will forgive me) Chandra of GreenComotion?



I did about ten of these, but then thought to myself, "self, why not give the tools to others and see what happens? You know, give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Give a man an image file to paste onto people, and he wastes a lifetime..." And so, you will find below a link to the dinosaur head cutout, in png format, which was one of the only ones that allowed me to keep the non-hair bits transparent. The file is pretty big, so that's why link instead of pic. Just right-click and choose Save Target As... in Windows, or do the similar for Mac (I don't know the exact language). Anyone who is so inclined should download it and paste it onto whoever they want. If you send me the finished product, I will post it ASAP and, of course, credit the creator. I've got a bad feeling no one will bother, but that's OK; nothing ventured, right?

Dinohead PNG file (1 MB)

Thanks for reading,

R A N T W I C K

RANTWICK Study Proves It: Driving Makes You Impotent!

There has been a long standing debate about whether cycling can cause impotence (Erectile Dysfunction). Men have been discouraged from cycling. Saddle designs have changed. Recumbents have become more popular, so much so that you may have seen one! I don't really care if there is a connection, because I recently undertook my own real world study of impotence, and have concluded that driving cars makes you at least somewhat impotent in every sense of the word!

From thefreedictionary.com:

I know that image is hard to read, but don't worry, we'll be going over each of the four definitions, so sit tight. The draft of a research study, which I intend to submit to all the best men's medical journals (including The Journal of Andrology, MAXIM and Field & Stream) follows. Remember, this is just a draft, so if any of you have suggestions for refining my thesis, please lay them on me in the comments.

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The Driving of Motor Vehicles as it Relates to Impotence - A Real World Study

RANTWICK, et al.

Abstract:

In an effort to understand and categorize the common anecdotal feelings experienced by myself and other drivers of motor vehicles, the links between those experiences and resultant behaviours and the four main definitions of the English word "impotent" were analyzed. Results indicate a strong correlation between the operation of motor vehicles and the experience of impotence among not only males, but where possible, females as well.

Methodology:

This study was conceived using a "double blind" methodology, since the pounding headache experienced as I mentally prepared it while sitting at the wheel of my car caused me to squint both of my eyes instead of my customary one. Thankfully, being stuck in construction and traffic, there was no danger of an accident, since I wasn't going to be moving for some time.

All blind studies require the use of two groups, and this study is no exception. Among motorized vehicle operators, there is a seemingly natural "control group", who maintain strict control of their vehicles using methods like hyper-vigilance and steering wheel clenching. These motorists, believing that controlling their vehicle gives them certain rights, are more likely to express anger by using the only tool they have in traffic situations, the vehicle itself.

The second group used in this blind study is the "lack of control group", comprised mainly of distracted individuals who are attempting to fully live their business and personal lives while driving. While the members of this group also experience anger, they typically only express it post-accident or incident.

The two groups (control and lack of control) were observed directly in my imagination while I had my eyes closed in a double-blind fashion, and their behaviours and feelings noted for use in the following word definition linkage analysis.

Analysis & Results


The four definitions in question and the corresponding observations and analysis will now be reviewed.

Physical strength and vigor are directly linked to physical activity. It stands to reason, then, that any time spent sitting still (at the wheel of a motor vehicle, for example) adds to ones weakness level. Although some subjects in both groups were found to combat this weakness by scheduling other time for exercise, many did not. One offshoot of this study is that the following visual formula was developed:

Driving * Time = The Strength of your Weakness

This meaning of the word impotent is what launched me along this line of study. I drove to work every day last week, attempting to rest an injured arm that was refusing to heal. I generally enjoy driving, but it would seem that regular cycle commuting has left me with no tolerance for the construction riddled, slow to stopped traffic involved with driving during rush hour(s). When I'm on the bike there's often something I can do about bad traffic:

When sitting in a car, stopping repeatedly for what seems like forever, I felt completely helpless to do anything about it, and what was worse, I was trapped in the vehicle and could not just leave it behind and walk. Despite being in control of a powerful machine, I was powerless to do anything with it; I was impotent! In observing drivers from both the control group and the lack of control group, the lack of control group felt less frustration and anger, because they were distracted from their lack of motion by their texting and talking activity. Both groups, however, experience increased feelings of frustration and anger thanks to vehicular impotence. When I am delayed on the bike, at least I get to release my frustrations with physical activity when I get moving again. Motorists, however, simply race ahead to the next opportunity to be exasperated without dealing with the last. This can lead to the third, and best known meaning of impotence:



Driven to distraction by vehicular impotence and the attendant frustration and feelings of inadequacy, members of both groups may experience an inability to perform sexually upon eventually arriving at their personal dwellings. It is well documented that a state of relaxation and low stress is conducive to enhanced sexual ability. In lay person's terms, people experiencing the after-effects of vehicular impotence are less likely to be able to "get it up" for their significant others.




There is one remaining definition of "impotent":


In observing both the control and lack of control groups, ample evidence of a "lack of restraint" was found, bringing into question freedictionary.com's "Obsolete" note on this definition. Much has been made in recent years of "road rage". Road rage is simply the natural extension of vehicular impotence and the emotional instability it creates, and should in fact be identified as an "impotent rage".

Conclusions & Recommendations:
Operating a motor vehicle makes all people, to one extent or another, impotent, which often results in rage. Most participants in the study refused to acknowledge that their rage was based in their operating a motor vehicle, but instead insisted that other drivers were the cause. As such, it is this study's main recommendation that the term "road rage" be replaced with "impotent rage against the machine" in all mainstream media, in an effort to begin solving the problem by first identifying it more accurately.

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Well, that's it. Like I said, all scientific and academic comments aimed at improving it are welcome, and I will be happy to list you as a contributor to this cutting edge, exciting analysis. I would especially welcome submissions of replacement phrases for "impotent rage against the machine" since it kind of sounds bad for one of my favourite bands:

Impotent Rage Against the Machine

You are the best. Keep It Up!

R A N T W I C K

Bike Commuting with Clothes: Childish Mistakes

I carry the clothes I plan to wear on any given work day with me in my awesome panniers. I leave shoes and several pairs of pants at work, but I carry undies, socks and shirt with me each day. The panniers are just big enough to bring all the pants and my towel and stuff home on Fridays for a wash. It is a system that is working really well for me. Most of the time.

Because every morning is a mad rush, I usually grab these items from piles of recently folded and sorted but not yet put away laundry. This level of disorganization can result in my arriving at work with my son's clothing instead of my own. One day last week I unpacked my things to get changed and found that the pair of socks that looked OK rolled up actually belonged to my 8 year old son. The sock below has been pre-stretched by my putting it on before having the idea for this post. I then removed it and took this picture with my cycling shoe, to give you an idea of its size relative to my foot:

They were quite big for little guy socks, and pretty stretchy, so rather than wear the white sport socks I cycled in with black work shoes, I just stuffed my feet into them anyway. This resulted in somewhat comical ankle socks:

I still think this is better than the dreaded white socks with black shoes look (if you wear white socks with everything, my apologies; keep your own style goin' there, friend). Also please note that I wear long pants at work, so I wasn't laying any of that skin action on my co-workers. This was not the first time I had accidentally brought kid stuff instead of my stuff. When underpants are just lying in an unfolded pile (folding undies is madness, in my opinion), a pair of boy's jockeys look an awful lot like a pair of men's jockeys. Since I did a "scale comparison" with the sock, here's one with underpants!

I chose a pair of cycling shorts because believe it or not, I draw the line at posting pictures of my undies; although it would seem posting pictures of my son's jockeys doesn't bother me at all. It kind of makes sense; little boy undies can be seen as "cute"... something quite impossible for grown man underpants, I'm sure you'll agree.

Some of you may already know something about the size of my butt, so you'll understand when I say that there was no way I could pull anything like the preceding sock trick with these little suckers. Have you ever gone commando at work? I have. I didn't like it, not one little bit.

I will try to write about something more normal and less disturbingly personal next time. Please come back. I'll be normal, I promise!

R A N T W I C K

Captcha Results: A Surprise Ending

I will begin the way I planned to begin, by celebrating the deeply cool and truly moving spectacle that is $5 of Canadian Tire money displayed with style. For your information, $5 Canadian Tire (CT) money is not "cheap": the amount of it you get back varies from franchise to franchise, but let's say you are getting the maximum, 2% of purchases. My family spent at least $250 at CT to generate this prize!

If that view wasn't doing anything for you (as if!), how about that same money rolled up?

I know you're probably already freaking out with joy-joy madness after seeing that CT money in such alluring and attractive ways, but what if I threw in a beer in a freezer-coolie mug thing? What happens to your brain then, huh? Can you stand so much goodness in one photo?

If you thought that was just stupid, you should know that I was seriously considering taking pictures of the CT money with all kinds of different "Canadian" items, and was only stopped by the soothing, calming influence of my sweet wife. You should thank her.

Now, I naturally figured that the winner of this contest would be elated and as happy as Sandy McTire (yes, that's his name):

Instead, upon receiving e-mail about an imminent contest win, the "winner" decided to fess up to captcha contest "doping"! I am not in the business of character assassination, so I am going to make no effort to identify this person for you or get into the specifics of his performance enhancing technological drug choice. I have even scrubbed their contest entry out of the comments, for fear they might enjoy even negative attention. I thought I made it pretty clear in the contest "rules" that, and I quote, "If you are lame enough to cheat on a potentially very boring contest that has no prize other than something stupid and of no monetary value that I will dream up later, I and every other participant thinks you just plain suck. Go away; you're not welcome on RANTWICK." I wrote that before I came up with the prize, and in hindsight I am not surprised that the sexy visage of Sandy McTire pushed a contestant over to the dark side. I mean, look at that Scottish charmer again:

Since I should have known that the prize would have that kind of soul-twisting and ethics-bending power, I am not prepared to excommunicate this visitor altogether. They did, after all, confess what they had done and didn't blame a trainer, a doctor, or the other competitors in the process. I do not condone such behaviour, however, and should I run any more contests on this blog, this individual will be prohibited from participating. There is a zero tolerance doping policy on the Tour de RANTWICK.

Since our doper is disqualified, the entrant with the second most votes, and the winner of RANTWICK's first and last CAPTCHA contest is Rollz, with the most excellent captcha "spipbra"! Although we have never met in person, I happen to know that Rollz is a local London bike commuter, and owner of the blog Bike Commuting London Ontario. I'm hoping you are still reading this blog Rollz, because I don't see an email address attached to your profile... comment please so I can hand over or mail out your prize!

Camping was kinda wet but big fun, and I did some singletrack riding in deep forest for the first time in years. Now, I'm glad to be back and look forward to making little sense again on Friday! Yer Pal,

R A N T W I C K