Monday, August 10, 2009

RANTWICK Study Proves It: Driving Makes You Impotent!

There has been a long standing debate about whether cycling can cause impotence (Erectile Dysfunction). Men have been discouraged from cycling. Saddle designs have changed. Recumbents have become more popular, so much so that you may have seen one! I don't really care if there is a connection, because I recently undertook my own real world study of impotence, and have concluded that driving cars makes you at least somewhat impotent in every sense of the word!


I know that image is hard to read, but don't worry, we'll be going over each of the four definitions, so sit tight. The draft of a research study, which I intend to submit to all the best men's medical journals (including The Journal of Andrology, MAXIM and Field & Stream) follows. Remember, this is just a draft, so if any of you have suggestions for refining my thesis, please lay them on me in the comments.

The Driving of Motor Vehicles as it Relates to Impotence - A Real World Study

RANTWICK, et al.


In an effort to understand and categorize the common anecdotal feelings experienced by myself and other drivers of motor vehicles, the links between those experiences and resultant behaviours and the four main definitions of the English word "impotent" were analyzed. Results indicate a strong correlation between the operation of motor vehicles and the experience of impotence among not only males, but where possible, females as well.


This study was conceived using a "double blind" methodology, since the pounding headache experienced as I mentally prepared it while sitting at the wheel of my car caused me to squint both of my eyes instead of my customary one. Thankfully, being stuck in construction and traffic, there was no danger of an accident, since I wasn't going to be moving for some time.

All blind studies require the use of two groups, and this study is no exception. Among motorized vehicle operators, there is a seemingly natural "control group", who maintain strict control of their vehicles using methods like hyper-vigilance and steering wheel clenching. These motorists, believing that controlling their vehicle gives them certain rights, are more likely to express anger by using the only tool they have in traffic situations, the vehicle itself.

The second group used in this blind study is the "lack of control group", comprised mainly of distracted individuals who are attempting to fully live their business and personal lives while driving. While the members of this group also experience anger, they typically only express it post-accident or incident.

The two groups (control and lack of control) were observed directly in my imagination while I had my eyes closed in a double-blind fashion, and their behaviours and feelings noted for use in the following word definition linkage analysis.

Analysis & Results

The four definitions in question and the corresponding observations and analysis will now be reviewed.

Physical strength and vigor are directly linked to physical activity. It stands to reason, then, that any time spent sitting still (at the wheel of a motor vehicle, for example) adds to ones weakness level. Although some subjects in both groups were found to combat this weakness by scheduling other time for exercise, many did not. One offshoot of this study is that the following visual formula was developed:

Driving * Time = The Strength of your Weakness

This meaning of the word impotent is what launched me along this line of study. I drove to work every day last week, attempting to rest an injured arm that was refusing to heal. I generally enjoy driving, but it would seem that regular cycle commuting has left me with no tolerance for the construction riddled, slow to stopped traffic involved with driving during rush hour(s). When I'm on the bike there's often something I can do about bad traffic:

When sitting in a car, stopping repeatedly for what seems like forever, I felt completely helpless to do anything about it, and what was worse, I was trapped in the vehicle and could not just leave it behind and walk. Despite being in control of a powerful machine, I was powerless to do anything with it; I was impotent! In observing drivers from both the control group and the lack of control group, the lack of control group felt less frustration and anger, because they were distracted from their lack of motion by their texting and talking activity. Both groups, however, experience increased feelings of frustration and anger thanks to vehicular impotence. When I am delayed on the bike, at least I get to release my frustrations with physical activity when I get moving again. Motorists, however, simply race ahead to the next opportunity to be exasperated without dealing with the last. This can lead to the third, and best known meaning of impotence:

Driven to distraction by vehicular impotence and the attendant frustration and feelings of inadequacy, members of both groups may experience an inability to perform sexually upon eventually arriving at their personal dwellings. It is well documented that a state of relaxation and low stress is conducive to enhanced sexual ability. In lay person's terms, people experiencing the after-effects of vehicular impotence are less likely to be able to "get it up" for their significant others.

There is one remaining definition of "impotent":

In observing both the control and lack of control groups, ample evidence of a "lack of restraint" was found, bringing into question's "Obsolete" note on this definition. Much has been made in recent years of "road rage". Road rage is simply the natural extension of vehicular impotence and the emotional instability it creates, and should in fact be identified as an "impotent rage".

Conclusions & Recommendations:
Operating a motor vehicle makes all people, to one extent or another, impotent, which often results in rage. Most participants in the study refused to acknowledge that their rage was based in their operating a motor vehicle, but instead insisted that other drivers were the cause. As such, it is this study's main recommendation that the term "road rage" be replaced with "impotent rage against the machine" in all mainstream media, in an effort to begin solving the problem by first identifying it more accurately.
Well, that's it. Like I said, all scientific and academic comments aimed at improving it are welcome, and I will be happy to list you as a contributor to this cutting edge, exciting analysis. I would especially welcome submissions of replacement phrases for "impotent rage against the machine" since it kind of sounds bad for one of my favourite bands:

Impotent Rage Against the Machine
You are the best. Keep It Up!



Steve A said...

The solution is obvious. Drive the car only when there's no traffic!

RANTWICK said...

You know, I love driving in the wee hours when nobody is out. Of course I like cycling then, too... hmmm.

Bike Lemming said...

Very nice study! Can't wait to see it hit RoadBikeRider and Bicycling! Good job tying that all together!

RANTWICK said...

Thanks Lemming... publishing rights may have to go to the highest bidder, but I have no doubt it will be hitting newstands soon.

jeff said...

I don't come to this blog to learn, I tried to stop reading, but I was lacking in power, as to act effectively; helpless to do so.
Oh well.

Rollz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RANTWICK said...

Jeff, if you ever "learn" anything here, please unlearn it as quickly as you can. Thanks for reading.

Eliot said...

I'm curious about the biking in the traffic jam there... how safe do you feel that is? I'm not trying to stir controversy, I'm curious myself.

GreenComotion said...

Quite hilarious!
Peace :)

RANTWICK said...

Eliot - You're not stirring controversy, it's a very good question. Queue jumping (which is what I was doing) shouldn't be done lightly.

I feel quite safe in a situation like that, but only because 1) traffic is barely moving and 2) I am extremely careful and alert and ready to stop on a moment's notice. That said, I am assuming some risk in doing it, and that kind of riding certainly isn't for everyone. If a passenger decides to leap out of a car, we could have a very low speed collision.

Chandra - glad you like it. Peace back.

cafiend said...

Extremely erudite and scholarly.

RANTWICK said...

Cafiend - thanks! It had to be so, if it was to pass muster with the better medical journals.

Post a Comment