Friday, July 16, 2010

To Ham!

If you have arrived at this post because you are a lover of ham, the food, you are not alone. I love ham. My kids would live on ham sandwiches alone if we let them, so much so that I would call them "hamheads" if I hadn't once seen something like this:

I find this almost unutterably creepy, even for Halloween. Gah! I love ham despite this gruesome character, but I'm afraid that although it was entirely possible, I am not currently sitting here on a Friday night drinking beer and toasting that kind of ham.

No, I am toasting a reader of this blog named "Ham" who is the winner of the Obstructionist Art Contest. Now I wouldn't normally over-celebrate a contest winner in this way, but he emailed me, saying that if the prize of $5 in Canadian Tire money ... "(has) real cash value in it, I would suggest that it is a waste of a good beer token.

So, what I propose is that $5 should buy at least one drink, maybe two smaller ones. So, the next time you find yourself in sociable companionship with a bartender you invest the same in a drink of your choice - mine would be beer - make yourself comfortable with your companion even if they are a six foot high white rabbit - lift your glass, utter the words "To Ham" and drink deep secure in the knowledge that I have bought you the drink."

That, for those who don't recognize it, is a class act and the kind of reader this blog seems to attract in general, in my opinion. Ham left it up to me, however, to decide how to handle things. Thus, here I am, drinking To Ham and sending To Ham both, for you see I have been eager to send somebody some Canadian Tire money for a long time and will gladly drink to just about anybody you could shake a stick at let alone a nice guy like this. I've got the envelope ready. All it needs is a stamp:

The absence of Ham's full address bothers me some, but I have heard great things about Britain's postal service and I trust them to find him by asking around in London a little; if it doesn't make it at least I know the return address is listed as well. The more keen among you may have already noticed that the money displayed comes to a mere $1.40... don't rough me up, I can explain.

When Spring rolled around Mrs. Rantwick informed me that she intended to use our Canadian Tire money stash on some hanging flower baskets. Sounded good to me; I thought I had my $5 stashed separate and apart from the general Sandy McTire population. I was wrong. Imagine my shame when I decided on a winner, went to grab the money, and it was gone! Soon after, Ham's nice email arrived. So here we are. I couldn't buy a beer with $1.40 in any bar I know of, but I am drinking to Ham with the missing $3.60 as I write this. So really, Ham and I both get our wish. Besides, the last time I tried to pass Canadian Tire money at the bar really didn't go very well. It's a win-win or in this case a To Ham-To Ham!

Ham, I am hoping you'll comment on the arrival of your prize, so I know that the postal service found you. Until next time,



lifein360 said...

That is the most disturbing image I have seen in a long time. Gross.

Steve A said...

It is unclear to me if Rantwick spent too little time on vacation - or too much.

Rat Trap Press said...

Yes Rantwick, you are a class act.

The ham head disturbs me because it's too realistic. Believe me. I know what I'm talking about.

RANTWICK said...

360 - yep. terrible. I still wonder if i want it on there.

Steve - it was just right, thank you. i have always been this way.

RTP - What? I never claimed to be a class act... I was just sucking up to my readers, who often are! You take that back! I'm more of a cirus act, really.

I don't want to know how you know what you're talking about. I'm curious, though.

Rat Trap Press said...

I spent the first six years of my career as a highway patrol trooper. I've seen lot's of gross stuff.

Ham said...

"I spent the first six years of my career as a highway patrol trooper. I've seen lot's of gross stuff."

I may never have eaten one but I have heard all about Twinkies.

After a quick check in the mirror I was able to confirm that the olives were where they belong - in a martini. Which is just as well.

There is nothing wrong with ham on toast, with cheese.

cafiend said...

The Halloween ham treat should have been a lump of ham inside a skull (properly purchased from a reputable supplier) so party goers could pretend to be eating brains. Or slabs of ham could have been applied to the outside of said skull for the cheek-chewing fantasy.

Marrock said...

I just want to suck the eyeballs out of that hamskull.

RANTWICK said...

Cafiend - Um, yeah! That would be, um, great!

Marrock - You are my rock, man. I alwys know I can count on you. Don't ever change.

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