Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Obstructionist Art Winner!

I am decidedly back from vacation. I may write about my time away soon, but there are matters much more pressing to address, namely contest-winning nonsense!


After much study and completely unbalanced evaluation, I am declaring Ham the winner of the contest, mainly because he worked in the candy when he thought at first that it was candles. If my choice makes you mad, I do apologize, but tough darts... I liked his entry best. Honorable mentions go to everybody else; I loved all the stuff I read.

Ham, please provide me with a mailing address (via email) to which I can send $5 in Canadian Tire Money! If you fear that I am a stalker of some kind, you can use your neighbours, or friends, or granny's. Whatever, so long as you receive this awesome prize. Please accept the prize rather than telling me to donate somehow... it made sense when a local won my last contest, but I really want you to receive this dubious booty.


Here's Ham's winning entry:


I really don't see what all the mystery is about.


First, it is quite obviously part of the London Street Piano event here and here (Truth, as ever being stranger than fiction). How it comes to be there? Easy, it was delivered by my postman using the random technique he applies to all critical mail. The cones even confirm that, as they say "London" on them, and everyone knows that is here in England not in Canada.Knowing that, most other things become clear. The candles were dropped by a posse of nuns on their way home from a shopping trip (Where's the candle? Yes it does, doesn't it?) The urge to have a quick roadside yodel overtook them and with all those habits bouncing and arm waving it is no surprise they dropped. (ah. It says candies, not candles. So they bought sweets as well as the candles and remembered to pick the candles up after. Everyone knows nuns like sweets, too)

The cyclist is Danny McAskill (do watch this if you haven't, and I'm only disappointed you missed photographing his next manoevre which was jumpping from the pavement onto the piano, then onto the coach as it passed. He puts his drink down on the top of the cone on his way up, and picks it up on the way down, otherwise it would be too easy for him. The SUV contains his camera crew, ready to do a hanbrake turn and add extra pizazz to the film.


What you do not draw attention to is the masonic symbol ("A" in your big picture) which is in itself much more interesting. It is from the James Bond Lodge "Diamonds Are Forever" who famously hold ceremonial initiations every time a piano appears by the roadside, being a sign from the heavens that momentous events are afoot.





Congrats, Ham!
R A N T W I C K

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Away the Camp Road

As noted in my last real post, I am gonna drop off the grid for almost two weeks! Be well, and I'll be back in mid July.
Backing Away from the Keyboard... NOW! R A N T W I C K

Monday, June 28, 2010

Encounters with Rantwick, episode twelve: Kicking the Wagon to Tip the Bucket Fantastic

Euphemisms are fun. Like "kick the bucket" (die) or "fall off the wagon" (start drinking again) or "trip the light fantastic" (dance). Metaphors are also good, like "that Mrs. Rantwick is a gem" or "that RANTWICK is a hog" or "A rose by any other name flocks together". That last one was a mixed metaphor, as you no doubt know. They happen, especially to politicians. Much more rare is the mixed euphemism. Now, you might hear somebody speak a mixed euphemism once in a while, but witnessing one happen out in the world is something else entirely. Last Friday I got to see a crazy mixed euphemism, acted out LIVE! Now I'm gonna make you see it too!


See? She kicked the wagon to tip the bucket fantastic! A LIVE mix of no less than three euphemisms. You don't see one of those every day, no sir! Unless you start coming back to this post every day. Then you would, but you would also be pretty freaky, so don't do that.

There is other business I must take care of now. The Rantwick clan is going on vacation! It feels like it has been forever since we got away. We're going to camp. Not that we will be camping. In my home town of Thunder Bay, Ontario, everybody calls cottages "camps"; as in I'm going out to the camp this weekend. When I was a kid the dirt road to our family camp was so narrow that leaves came in the windows of the car sometimes. These days the road is paved and wide enough for two cars to pass each other pretty safely. I kind of wish it could have stayed the way it is in my childhood memories, but that isn't how things work. In any case, I can't wait to be travelling that road once more with my own kids. We're bringing bikes to ride up and down those hills and twists and turns both familiar and nostalgic; I can't wait.

There's a Scottish euphemism for dying that I learned from reading Iain Banks; "Away the Crow Road". Now I'm gonna mix up a new euphemism of my own... I'll be "Away the Camp Road", my very own brand new euphemism for getting away from it all. Have fun while I'm gone, and I'll be back to announce the winner of the Obstructionist Art contest in mid July.

Yer Pal,

R A N T W I C K