Mother Nature Sets Me Straight

You know how I was taunting Mother Nature in my last post? That was a mistake, as is messing with your real Mother. I was hoping to goad her into some good snowfall in my city, but I should have known better. My longtime friend and adversary Mother Nature knew precisely how to hurt me in retribution for my insolence, and it was not with the heavy snow I had hoped for. No, she knew better than to reward the manipulations of a transparent and petulant child with precisely what they desired. Instead, she punished me. If I had thought before I wrote, I would have remembered that Mother Nature has a temper when challenged, as even the advertisers of my childhood knew well...

The morning after my last post on Tuesday, Mother Nature responded to my taunting. Remember, what I was after was snow. As I left the house, I was treated to precisely 2 flashes of lightning and 2 claps of thunder, which are pretty damn rare in London Ontario in December. It was as though she wanted me to know that she, and not chance, was at work.

She gave me 0 degrees C, a strong headwind and lots of cold, cold rain. It was miserable by almost any standard. My gear, while pretty good in rain, was no match for what she laid on me. I was soaked. One of the beauties of cycling, however, is that so long as you are working, you remain reasonably warm. My goggles were a godsend and freak that I am, I quite enjoyed my gnarly ride.

If there was any doubt that Mother Nature was at work, it vanished in the afternoon as the strong East winds I battled in the morning changed to even stronger West winds for me to fight on the way home. She tried to knock me down with the wind several times, but was unsuccessful. My best guess is that she was accustomed to knocking over thin, fit roadies rather than a 200+ lb man riding Mutant Winter. I came away from my PM commute energized by the fight and ready for more, so much so that I considered writing an open letter to Mother Nature here on RANTWICK, telling her she had been unsuccessful in keeping me off the bike, and that I had enjoyed the cold, wet and wind because I am a masochistic freak. I was tired and went to bed instead.

This morning it was -5 C, with the wind still strong out of the west. An inch or so of snow had fallen overnight, but it was the nice light, blowing kind. I thought my ride complete with beautiful tailwind was a sign that she had given up on trying to punish me. Sadly, not long into my ride I discovered that Mother Nature, like a thug who knows their enemy will not be broken, had lashed out at something I loved instead:

The tree pictured above was a favourite of mine. It used to make that sharp corner of the bike path extra interesting by sprinkling it with pine cones that could wipe you out if you weren't careful. As you can see, it was kind of on its own, a landmark tree along the path. I liked that particular tree quite a lot. Mother Nature took it down:

The destruction of that tree bummed me out, and took some of the fun out of the remainder of my ride. Much like a parent who has meted out some stern justice, however, Mother Nature followed it up with a little tenderness, reminding me of how magical she can be.

The ride included several of those wondrous moments when you are riding with a stiff tailwind and your speed matches that of the wind precisely. The air seems as still as it would be in your living room despite the fact that you are moving fast, which is just so cool. Throw in some light snow cover unspoiled by the track of any other foot or wheel with just a few ice patches, and it was great. If it had not been tainted by the sadness of losing such a great tree, it would have been as close to a perfect winter ride as I have ever experienced.

It was too dark to get any good video, which kind of sucks, but snippets of video are incapable of conveying how good Winter riding can feel anyway. If you haven't tried it, take a few steps to keep your important bits warm and give it a shot. There is an excellent chance that you will love it, maybe even as much as I do.

Man I Love My Bike.

R A N T W I C K

I'm A Patient Man, but A R I Z O N A ?

Take a look at the lack of weather occurring in downtown London Ontario as I write this, from live webcams I took a screen shot of. We have had tantalizing little flurries that didn't add up to anything, but as you can see, no snow worth mentioning.

I have been eagerly awaiting snow and winter riding for 2 MONTHS, as evidenced by this post. It is common for London Ontario get some real snow in November, but this year, nothing yet. For some mysterious reason some of my most regular readers are from the Southern United States, and I have been dying to deliver some sweet unspoiled snowy bike path video among other things. Instead, I get to watch this:

image links to video on CNN , sorry it starts with a commercial.

Now, I can handle being out-snowed by places in the Northeast and Midwest of the USA, but ARIZONA, complete with video of people on bicycles? GAAH! At least that dude looked pretty miserable. How am I supposed to play the Canuck Card this way? It is Maddening I Tell You, Maddening!

What is it Mother Nature, huh? Is it because I ENJOY tangling with you every winter? Are you punishing me? You are a selfish, insensitive little... besides, I thought you kind of enjoyed our crabby relationship, as I do. In any case, enough with the passive, my quarrelsome darling; bring on the aggressive. There is snow in the forecast. I DARE you, Mother Nature, to show me what you've got. I'm not afraid of you. Bring it on, ya little wimp.

Hoping I don't get struck by lightning and carried off into the upper atmosphere in a freakish blizzardicane of vengeance and fury, I remain Yer Pal,

R A N T W I C K

PS - One of my many knowledgeable readers filled me in on the fact that Flagstaff AZ is way above sea level and gets snow normally. Oops! Mother Nature, please know that my challenge still stands despite my inattention to detail.

No Matter How You Say It

Products intended for use on your nether regions have names that sound stupid or weird. I suppose that is a simple function of trying to name something nobody wants to talk about. Let's take a quick look at the ones aimed at cyclists. I've never used any of these products and I hope I never have to. I'm not really interested in which ones work best or anything like that (I suppose I will be if I ever need the stuff); a recent discovery that I'll get to in a minute has sent me into this review of the funky names.

DZ Nuts - Dave Zabriskie's chamois cream. Somebody naming a product after their own nethers has got to be a sign that naming such items is difficult. The fact that people are quite willing and able to use something named after somebody else's junk is puzzling to me.

Beljum Hard Core Budder - Perhaps the suggestion that the product is "Hard Core" makes people feel a little tougher or serious about cycling or whatever. I don't know. I do know that applying this stuff would not make me feel all Marlboro Man though.

Chamois Butt'r Eurostyle - Word play on Butt and Butter. I guess it helps avoid the distasteful notion of applying foodstuffs to your privates. I wonder what makes it "Eurostyle"? European styling helps to sell all kinds of things, I suppose. I guess anything that makes such substances seem more cultured or refined helps people forget the ugly truth of its purpose.

Assos Chamois Creme - Assos decided to just play it straight, since any word play combined with their unfortunate company name would probably just result in something unsellable.

Betwixt - I think this is perhaps the classiest name for such things that I found in my brief search. Kudos to whoever came up with this subtle and simple name.

Like I said earlier, I (or more accurately, my 8 year old son) made a discovery at a local drug store recently that got me thinking about the difficulties of naming such things. Mrs. Rantwick and I were looking at something else when our boy exclaimed "hey, look at the Anti Monkey Butt!" We began shushing him and were preparing to scold him for his crude turn of phrase when we followed his pointing finger to this:

What can I say, the kid has an eye for intriguing products. Mrs. Rantwick and I, being the lovers of all things odd that we are, immediately scooped up the 4 containers available on the shelf, because nothing says Merry Christmas to friends and family like a $6 bottle of Anti Monkey Butt. My Mom is gonna love it.

While not strictly for cycling and a powder rather than a cream, Anti Monkey Butt lists cycling as one of its best uses. Being curious about which company might use such cutting edge marketing, I checked the small print on the label. I didn't get the satisfaction of linking Anti Monkey Butt to some big manufacturer; I got something better. It is produced by Anti Monkey Butt Corp. I went to their website and found some excellent and bizarre stuff, including videos! Check them out: Video 1 Video 2. I love this company. They are obviously being funny as a method of marketing their hard to market product, but what I like best is that they aren't trying to be cool in any way. They are the reverse of cool, which is cool.

I guess I should state for the record that I am not affiliated with Anti Monkey Butt Corp, and that I have received absolutely nothing in return for posting about their product. I also have no idea if the stuff works. I just like the approach. It speaks directly to my inner 8 year old, and managed to do so directly through my actual 8 year old!

If you live in London, please don't go buy all the Anti Monkey Butt you can find. That's my plan.

R A N T W I C K

PS - For those of you about to comment about the prevention of saddle sores being very important to competitive or long-range cyclists and no laughing matter, etc., I know. I just wanted a cycling-related way to introduce my discovery of Anti Monkey Butt, so forgive me.