Monday, December 7, 2009

No Matter How You Say It

Products intended for use on your nether regions have names that sound stupid or weird. I suppose that is a simple function of trying to name something nobody wants to talk about. Let's take a quick look at the ones aimed at cyclists. I've never used any of these products and I hope I never have to. I'm not really interested in which ones work best or anything like that (I suppose I will be if I ever need the stuff); a recent discovery that I'll get to in a minute has sent me into this review of the funky names.

DZ Nuts - Dave Zabriskie's chamois cream. Somebody naming a product after their own nethers has got to be a sign that naming such items is difficult. The fact that people are quite willing and able to use something named after somebody else's junk is puzzling to me.

Beljum Hard Core Budder - Perhaps the suggestion that the product is "Hard Core" makes people feel a little tougher or serious about cycling or whatever. I don't know. I do know that applying this stuff would not make me feel all Marlboro Man though.

Chamois Butt'r Eurostyle - Word play on Butt and Butter. I guess it helps avoid the distasteful notion of applying foodstuffs to your privates. I wonder what makes it "Eurostyle"? European styling helps to sell all kinds of things, I suppose. I guess anything that makes such substances seem more cultured or refined helps people forget the ugly truth of its purpose.

Assos Chamois Creme - Assos decided to just play it straight, since any word play combined with their unfortunate company name would probably just result in something unsellable.

Betwixt - I think this is perhaps the classiest name for such things that I found in my brief search. Kudos to whoever came up with this subtle and simple name.

Like I said earlier, I (or more accurately, my 8 year old son) made a discovery at a local drug store recently that got me thinking about the difficulties of naming such things. Mrs. Rantwick and I were looking at something else when our boy exclaimed "hey, look at the Anti Monkey Butt!" We began shushing him and were preparing to scold him for his crude turn of phrase when we followed his pointing finger to this:

What can I say, the kid has an eye for intriguing products. Mrs. Rantwick and I, being the lovers of all things odd that we are, immediately scooped up the 4 containers available on the shelf, because nothing says Merry Christmas to friends and family like a $6 bottle of Anti Monkey Butt. My Mom is gonna love it.

While not strictly for cycling and a powder rather than a cream, Anti Monkey Butt lists cycling as one of its best uses. Being curious about which company might use such cutting edge marketing, I checked the small print on the label. I didn't get the satisfaction of linking Anti Monkey Butt to some big manufacturer; I got something better. It is produced by Anti Monkey Butt Corp. I went to their website and found some excellent and bizarre stuff, including videos! Check them out: Video 1 Video 2. I love this company. They are obviously being funny as a method of marketing their hard to market product, but what I like best is that they aren't trying to be cool in any way. They are the reverse of cool, which is cool.

I guess I should state for the record that I am not affiliated with Anti Monkey Butt Corp, and that I have received absolutely nothing in return for posting about their product. I also have no idea if the stuff works. I just like the approach. It speaks directly to my inner 8 year old, and managed to do so directly through my actual 8 year old!

If you live in London, please don't go buy all the Anti Monkey Butt you can find. That's my plan.

PS - For those of you about to comment about the prevention of saddle sores being very important to competitive or long-range cyclists and no laughing matter, etc., I know. I just wanted a cycling-related way to introduce my discovery of Anti Monkey Butt, so forgive me.


Lucky said...

Never needed the stuff, eh? A word of counsel: When it rains it pours.

jeff said...

First of all- I love it! Secondly, I too had never used chamois creme until I got caught with wet shorts after the rain on a long bike tour ride. I don't always use it for shorter rides, but I always have some with me. Aaaaah.

RANTWICK said...

Lucky, Jeff - Yes, I'm sure the day will come... I can't say I'm looking forward to it.

cafiend said...

Another tongue-in-cheek piece about the lighter side of cycling's lower end.

Chamois lube of some sort is a vital item for riders keeping a grueling schedule of long miles. The stuff many riders used when I was in that category smelled like fish. Since shorts were wool, with natural chamois, applying herring fat, or whatever it was, seemed appropriate. All natural.

A US Team rider I was fortunate to ride with sometimes said to forget the nasty fishy stuff and just use A and D Ointment or a generic equivalent. He also used Noxzema, for a cool, fresh feeling. Both of those were readily available, so I have never resorted to any products more specifically targeted.

Note: apply the cream to the pad in the shorts, NOT your skin. You do not want to soften your skin. We originally used the cream to soften the chamois from its dry, crisp, sandpaper-like consistency after it had been washed and dried.


cafiend said...

BTW,"sometimes" refers to how frequently I rode w/ the US Team guy, not how often he gave advice on chamois maintenance.


RANTWICK said...

Cafiend - Herring fat! Oh yeah, baby.

Wild Bill said...

I use DZ Nuts (everybody laugh at the double entendre). It is a good product and does prevent some soreness. It isn't a normal chamois butter because you apply it directly to your taint. I like it mostly because it has some mild antiseptic/astringent ingredients to prevent saddle sores and/or infection. I'm sure there are non-cycling-specific products that would work as well, but I've been happy with it so far.

One thing about chamois butters I've noticed is that their ingredients are nearly identical to that of hand cream that you find at your local drugstore/chemists.

Bike Lemming said...

Great post! The unfortunate names go beyond use in cycling products as well, which I'm sure you're well aware of.

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