How to Hold Your Mutant

Recently while riding in to work in the morning I was caught off guard by how cold it was. Most of me was fine, but my bare hands (fingers in particular) were aching. It was one the first days that I was riding "Mutant Winter". I have decided to rename her "Mutant Winter" because I really like saying and typing "Mutant Winter". Mutant & Winter are two excellent words when used together. Firstly, they describe pretty much how the cycling (especially in the worst parts) of winter feels. On the coldest days I look much like a scuba diver, sans snorkel: mutant. On the heaviest snow days I am the only cyclist for miles around: mutant. My bike is a fairly nice dirt jumper transformed into a weirdly fendered, pink cabled, plastic-tub-carrying abomination: mutant. Secondly, it sounds like an excellent name for certain kinds of bands, or maybe a nice scary movie...

background image used with permission from: the-becka.blogspot.com In an act of abnormal respect of copyright, I discovered that the blog from which I grabbed the image was authored by a woman not far from me, here in Southern Ontario! Her stuff isn't for everyone, but I thought it was pretty cool.

Anyway, my hands were really cold, and I had no mitts or gloves with me. So, in true mutant fashion, I grabbed a pair of old spare socks out of my way groovy blue Winter Mutant tub, and stuck 'em on my hands. Nothing says "mutant" like sock hands. That did the trick for the coldness, but shifting was difficult because my thumb was trapped. If only the sock on my right hand had been blessed with the hole I found on my left hand, all would have been well. Please do not comment on how how I could have switched the socks. I had already stopped once to put them on, and I wasn't stopping again, no way. In addition, that would have placed the baggy heel part on the top, which totally goes against my personal rules of hand sock fashion (I honestly thought that to myself at the time, god help me). My left hand sock action was great, so much so that I put it back on and took a picture when I was home that evening:

So, the answer to the age-old question "how should I hold my mutant?" is finally fully clear to me: with sock hands. When you think about it, what other answer could there possibly be?

Please don't stop reading this blog because I am a mutant in thought, deed and written word...

M U T A N T W I C K

PS - I came this close to registering mutantwinter.com and throwing a web page up just for fun, in case anybody tried to go there. I managed to resist, without any help from my sweet wife. I guess I'm not 100% mutant just yet...

I'm Getting Pumped! And then Deflated!

Around March of the last few of years, I begin to ache for Spring and open bike paths and an end to riding through heavy snow, rain and dirty slush. Around now, the last few years, I start getting excited to ride in all that stuff all over again. Don't get me wrong, dirty slush is not really my thing, but the joys and challenges and beauty of winter riding in London Ontario most definitely are.

I intend to wax poetic about all that stuff as winter progresses and camera provides in the coming months, so I'll stop there for now. I've got to get cracking on cleaning up my winter bike, (named "Winter", if you'll recall) right NOW. Of course there's no snow yet, but snow before the end of October is not unheard of, and I don't want to miss any of the precious first snows before the paths get packed down, icy, pocked up and almost impossible to ride.

Another reason I need her ready is that I like to ride the bike on dry, non-icy roads before things get bad, so that when they do I have re-adjusted to having gears, a freewheel, disc brakes, flat bars and most of all a high centre of gravity, thanks to that crazy tub on the back. During that fair-weather period, I run the knobby, studded MTB tires at as high a pressure as I can in the interest of speed. They sound like rice crispies when you ride on bare pavement. The worse conditions get through the winter, however, the more air I let out. It is not uncommon for me to run at 20 psi in mid-winter, since it increases the size of your contact patch, and provides some "float" over packed snow.

Well, it took me a while, but now you know where that title came from. This is the first winter that I'll be blogging here in a steady way, with the camera and all that. I'm really looking forward to sharing some of what makes winter riding so very crappy and so unbelievably great.

Wishing you all a happy Winter Deflation,

R A N T W I C K

Stormy Stuff

When it comes to bad weather, I am a completely irresponsible person. I love riding in it. Yesterday, a line of storms travelled across Southern Ontario. Multiple tornadoes touched down, thankfully not in London. I took a look at the weather radar before leaving work, and it looked bad. I read that there were tornado warnings. Unlike a rational person, I thought "oh, boy!" Mother nature did not disappoint...

The plastic covered camera didn't do the ride justice. I almost got knocked over by the wind a couple of times, and the thunder was sometimes super loud. It was great.

Please do as I say, not as I do. Take cover in bad weather.

R A N T W I C K

P.S. - I know I'm a broken record, but everything in my panniers remained completely dry.

RANTWICK Study Proves It: Driving Makes You Impotent!

There has been a long standing debate about whether cycling can cause impotence (Erectile Dysfunction). Men have been discouraged from cycling. Saddle designs have changed. Recumbents have become more popular, so much so that you may have seen one! I don't really care if there is a connection, because I recently undertook my own real world study of impotence, and have concluded that driving cars makes you at least somewhat impotent in every sense of the word!

From thefreedictionary.com:

I know that image is hard to read, but don't worry, we'll be going over each of the four definitions, so sit tight. The draft of a research study, which I intend to submit to all the best men's medical journals (including The Journal of Andrology, MAXIM and Field & Stream) follows. Remember, this is just a draft, so if any of you have suggestions for refining my thesis, please lay them on me in the comments.

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The Driving of Motor Vehicles as it Relates to Impotence - A Real World Study

RANTWICK, et al.

Abstract:

In an effort to understand and categorize the common anecdotal feelings experienced by myself and other drivers of motor vehicles, the links between those experiences and resultant behaviours and the four main definitions of the English word "impotent" were analyzed. Results indicate a strong correlation between the operation of motor vehicles and the experience of impotence among not only males, but where possible, females as well.

Methodology:

This study was conceived using a "double blind" methodology, since the pounding headache experienced as I mentally prepared it while sitting at the wheel of my car caused me to squint both of my eyes instead of my customary one. Thankfully, being stuck in construction and traffic, there was no danger of an accident, since I wasn't going to be moving for some time.

All blind studies require the use of two groups, and this study is no exception. Among motorized vehicle operators, there is a seemingly natural "control group", who maintain strict control of their vehicles using methods like hyper-vigilance and steering wheel clenching. These motorists, believing that controlling their vehicle gives them certain rights, are more likely to express anger by using the only tool they have in traffic situations, the vehicle itself.

The second group used in this blind study is the "lack of control group", comprised mainly of distracted individuals who are attempting to fully live their business and personal lives while driving. While the members of this group also experience anger, they typically only express it post-accident or incident.

The two groups (control and lack of control) were observed directly in my imagination while I had my eyes closed in a double-blind fashion, and their behaviours and feelings noted for use in the following word definition linkage analysis.

Analysis & Results


The four definitions in question and the corresponding observations and analysis will now be reviewed.

Physical strength and vigor are directly linked to physical activity. It stands to reason, then, that any time spent sitting still (at the wheel of a motor vehicle, for example) adds to ones weakness level. Although some subjects in both groups were found to combat this weakness by scheduling other time for exercise, many did not. One offshoot of this study is that the following visual formula was developed:

Driving * Time = The Strength of your Weakness

This meaning of the word impotent is what launched me along this line of study. I drove to work every day last week, attempting to rest an injured arm that was refusing to heal. I generally enjoy driving, but it would seem that regular cycle commuting has left me with no tolerance for the construction riddled, slow to stopped traffic involved with driving during rush hour(s). When I'm on the bike there's often something I can do about bad traffic:

When sitting in a car, stopping repeatedly for what seems like forever, I felt completely helpless to do anything about it, and what was worse, I was trapped in the vehicle and could not just leave it behind and walk. Despite being in control of a powerful machine, I was powerless to do anything with it; I was impotent! In observing drivers from both the control group and the lack of control group, the lack of control group felt less frustration and anger, because they were distracted from their lack of motion by their texting and talking activity. Both groups, however, experience increased feelings of frustration and anger thanks to vehicular impotence. When I am delayed on the bike, at least I get to release my frustrations with physical activity when I get moving again. Motorists, however, simply race ahead to the next opportunity to be exasperated without dealing with the last. This can lead to the third, and best known meaning of impotence:



Driven to distraction by vehicular impotence and the attendant frustration and feelings of inadequacy, members of both groups may experience an inability to perform sexually upon eventually arriving at their personal dwellings. It is well documented that a state of relaxation and low stress is conducive to enhanced sexual ability. In lay person's terms, people experiencing the after-effects of vehicular impotence are less likely to be able to "get it up" for their significant others.




There is one remaining definition of "impotent":


In observing both the control and lack of control groups, ample evidence of a "lack of restraint" was found, bringing into question freedictionary.com's "Obsolete" note on this definition. Much has been made in recent years of "road rage". Road rage is simply the natural extension of vehicular impotence and the emotional instability it creates, and should in fact be identified as an "impotent rage".

Conclusions & Recommendations:
Operating a motor vehicle makes all people, to one extent or another, impotent, which often results in rage. Most participants in the study refused to acknowledge that their rage was based in their operating a motor vehicle, but instead insisted that other drivers were the cause. As such, it is this study's main recommendation that the term "road rage" be replaced with "impotent rage against the machine" in all mainstream media, in an effort to begin solving the problem by first identifying it more accurately.

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Well, that's it. Like I said, all scientific and academic comments aimed at improving it are welcome, and I will be happy to list you as a contributor to this cutting edge, exciting analysis. I would especially welcome submissions of replacement phrases for "impotent rage against the machine" since it kind of sounds bad for one of my favourite bands:

Impotent Rage Against the Machine

You are the best. Keep It Up!

R A N T W I C K

Shooting a Train Track Drive-By: How Should I Ride This?

When people see the camera mounted on my handlebars, many of them ask, "is that for catching people who cut you off and stuff?" I always respond no, I'm not into taking pictures of everybody who ticks me off... if I were, I would be posting nothing but bad driver videos all the time.

No, the camera is there because you just never know what you'll see, and sometimes just leaving the video cam rolling captures neat or funny stuff, like freaking out girls, cutie pie road hogs and super heroes.

I'm posting this clip, however, because it shows that sometimes, bad situations will happen no matter what you do. This one happened while I was crossing multiple railroad tracks on Egerton Street, in close proximity to where Caleb Losier was killed in November 2008. As that incident makes abundantly clear, these train tracks are no place for riding to the right of traffic, so I didn't. Here's the video:

After reviewing the video, I can see that crossing the first two tracks at the correct angle took me just far enough to the right for the truck to think they could get by. I now approach these tracks on the left edge of the left tire track, so crossing those first two sets of tracks leaves me in the centre of the lane. When I am that far to the left though, I begin worrying about being passed on the right, which I welcome even less than the pass you just saw. It's kind of a no-win situation I guess.

The video doesn't look anywhere near as bad as it felt on the bike. I have a pretty high tolerance for close passing, but this felt way too close. Remembering that the camera is mounted on my handlebars, you can imagine that the stuff attached to the side of the truck came pretty darn close to my head. I was in the centre of the lane, and the driver must have known I had no interest in his squeezing by. To do it while we were crossing multiple train tracks was just stupid. I know that for the cyclists who visit this blog, stuff like this is nothing new; it happens all the time. I just wish it didn't.

If any of you cycling educators out there have opinions on how I could do this crossing more safely, let 'er rip. I am open to all suggestions other than walking the bike or riding on the sidewalk.

Keep it Upright,

R A N T W I C K

Carnivore Light - I Need a Vacation

We're going camping for a few days starting this coming weekend, and I'm really looking forward to it. I know I've been mentioning Canadian Tire an awful lot lately... and now it would seem I'm gonna do it some more. I was looking for power inverters and crank radios and stuff for our trip on the Canadian Tire web site, and stumbled across something unexpected; a carnivore light! Before I could read up on this intriguing item, I saw that it was a flashlight:

I didn't understand. Was the flashlight a carnivore? In that case I really didn't want one. Was the flashlight for carnivores? What kind of carnivores use flashlights?

Owls?

The grandaddy of them all, the mighty T-Rex?

Perhaps Venus Flytrap?

And what carnivore other than Venus Flytrap would have $80 for a flashlight anyway?

Well, I gave my head a shake and stopped thinking such crazy thoughts and read about the flashlight. Turns out it is a "blood tracking" flashlight that can help illuminate blood traces, helping hunters to find game that has been wounded. I went deer hunting once with a friend and his Dad as a teenager, and found that I couldn't pull the trigger. Still, I have no problem with responsible hunters. Some of you may find that kind of gross, but to my mind wounded game is better off found than left to suffer off in the bush somewhere. Still, "carnivore?" Gerber, the maker of the light, also sell an "omnivore" model that doesn't have the blood tracking lights. Going with that logic, I think they should introduce the "herbivore" or "vegan" or maybe the "Veggie Lite", a flashlight for wildlife photographers.

Some of you may be thinking, "what the hell is Rantwick writing about this stupid flashlight for? This has nothing to do with cycling!" There are two points I would like to make in this regard. Firstly, the beauty of writing a blog, whether it appears to have a theme or not, is that I can write about whatever I please. The blog isn't called "cycling stuff", it's called RANTWICK, which means I can be as selfish and random with my subject matter as I wish. I really like that, and my hope is that other people enjoy a change of pace now and then too. Second of all, hunting and cycling sometimes do go together.

image source: pasty.com

And I thought I was a utility cyclist! With carnivores like this around, deer will try anything to get away...

Like I said, I'm going camping and we're leaving Friday morning. That means that there's a ton to do over the next few days that doesn't include blogging. Going by this post, perhaps a little blog break will be a good thing! Anyway, I'm gonna vanish from this space for about a week.

I'll be back next Wednesday to announce the winner of the Captcha contest! Until then, ride your bikes all over the place. Yer Pal,

R A N T W I C K

Note: in case you were considering the carnivore for your blood tracking needs, you should know that it is powered by 4 AA batteries, so it isn't nearly as big as it looks in some of my photoshopped pictures.

Cycling Eyewear - Finding The Perfect Glasses

If you ride a bike much at any speed, you quickly come to realize that some sort of glasses are necessary to keep the wind and bugs out of your eyes. In sub-zero temps, it becomes even more important, since you can really hurt your eyes with cold wind.

Just like bicycles, cycling glasses can cost just about as much as you are willing to spend.

The sunglasses shown above have some pretty impressive copy written for them, describing sunglass technology I didn't even know existed!

I am pretty rough on my sunglasses, so I have never had expensive ones like the ones pictured above. I bought a pair of knockoff $25 sunglasses at the drugstore about two years ago, and miraculously, I'm still wearing them as my summer glasses. The lenses are scratched and marked up, but I stay with them because of some customizations on them that I won't be able to find anywhere else.

My glasses originally had rubber nose rests that would slide a little sometimes. The earpieces and their rubber inserts never quite hugged just right either, and the glasses were a little heavy overall. Thanks to my customizer, however, my glasses have been perfect for the last month or so. Let me show you what he did:

By removing the rubber nose rests, he created micro sub-dermal insertion retaining posts. Just a gentle press, and those suckers stay put! No slip, no slide! He is a genius. Check this out:

The nano-abrasions act like tiny hooks that grab my skin and hair, and the wing ends have been reshaped to properly contact my asymmetrical and cauliflowered ears, minimizing slip and vibration! You can't get attention to detail like that off the shelf for any price. The removal of the soft rubber inserts allows the nano-abrasions to grasp on both the outer and inner surfaces of the ring, and shaves precious grams from the whole package. I am a very lucky fellow to have found my velo-optics customizer. Take a bow, super genius with the master craftsman's touch!

And to think you accomplished such fine high-end work using only your teeth! You are amazing, you sweet little bugger!

Hey, sorry I yanked your chain. Yer Pal,

R A N T W I C K

P.S. - I really do still wear those glasses.

My First "BIG" Ride. New Respect, New Addiction?

Up until now I have been an urban rider, mostly commuting. When I have time I stretch my commute to about 16km (10 miles) each way, but I am often late and my shortest route to work is only about 4.5 miles. Sometimes I'll take a "long" ride on the bike paths on the weekend, maxing out around 30km (almost 19 miles). On those rides I get home feeling great and only somewhat tired, so I began thinking about hitting the highway. Last Saturday I grabbed a cycling route (one of the shortest they had) from a local cycling club's web site and set out. I posted recently about wanting to build a geared tourer, but since that bike is still only represented by a tiny jingle in my piggy bank, I took my fixed gear commuter. Despite being a commuter, it has many highway-worthy qualities.

I was pretty excited and a little nervous since I had never done such a thing before. The route summary said it was 55km long, and I was riding to and from the start/end point, so I figured I was in for about 60km (37 miles). I was careful to put water and food in my panniers for a mid-way break, made sure all my tools and tire/tube repair stuff was present and accounted for, and checked that my cell phone was fully charged.

About one third of the way into the ride I looked down the highway ahead of me thought, "wow, this is far". Everything was going really well, and I was thoroughly enjoying the solitude and overall lack of cars and noise. My bike was running beautifully and as near to silent as it gets.

Long story short, I got a little lost twice, which added some distance, and was slowed by a not-too-bad-but-nagging headwind on the second half of the trip. There weren't any hills big enough to make me walk as I had feared, so that was good. I was left sore (not too too bad; I rode with very little pain Monday morning) and happy and kind of disappointed that it took me three and a half hours to go, in the end, 71km (44 miles). It felt like I was riding faster... I don't use a cycling computer and had to use an online route mapping tool when I got home to see how far I had actually travelled.

I always thought highway touring cyclists were pretty cool. Now I am in awe, especially of those fully-loaded people you see in some wild and remote areas. I can only aspire to that kind of hardcore-ness. That distance was about as far as I think I care to go on a fixed gear. Until I can get this other bike together, I will probably do more trips just like this one, because it pushed me pretty hard, but didn't kill me. I do know that I'm already scheming about how to do it again this Saturday... I knew I wasn't obsessing about enough things lately.

Keep your eyes on the scenery, unless there's somebody coming; in that case maybe keep 'em on the road.

R A N T W I C K

RANTWICK: THE LOST PICTURES vol. 1

As you may well know, when I write blog posts I often go looking for or create pictures to go with. Sometimes, the pictures don't fit in or work out or I just find ones I like better. Since I couldn't come up with commentary on them before, I see no reason to try now; I present for your enjoyment or revulsion the following unused images which will speak for themselves, I think. I added the "vol. 1" to the title because unused pics are bound to accumulate again and again, so why waste 'em?

Hoping to have a good idea sometime soon,

Yer Pal,

R A N T W I C K

Portland, Oregon: Beyond My Comprehension

I travel very little, and haven't been to many American cities for any length of time, let alone ridden a bike around one. I have always been pretty envious of the good people of Portland, and the legendary support that cyclists find there. If any of you live in Portland or have good knowledge of how it really is, I would love to get some comments. Is it the Cycling Nirvana I have built it up to be in my mind?

This post was prompted by something I read on sweetbike.org recently that only added to my impression that Portland is a zone of alternate reality, a parallel universe of some kind where people aren't even a little uptight.

Apparently, in this land apart, when a group of off-the-wall people leave a big trashy pile of bikes somewhere for use in an off-the-wall cycling activity and some of those bikes get stolen, the powers that be gives said people 10K to build a monument to which said trashy bicycles can be attached.

I'm not a big fan of re-posting the content from other blogs on this one, so check out what I've been describing by clicking here. Can such a place really exist? Portland, as I imagine it anyway, is almost beyond my comprehension. Like I said earlier, if anyone reading this is into dispelling or affirming Portland's mythical status as a cycling town, please go for it in the comments.

Signing off from the very Real and "Normal" London, Ontario,

R A N T W I C K

Concept Bikes: Notes From The FUTURE!

I'm sure many of you have seen some really cool designer concept bikes before. In this post, I've gathered some that point to the future, revealing a great many things I hadn't ever imagined! I have included some of the features and descriptions of these mind-blowing machines, and will conclude with some observations about what these bikes have to tell us about the future.

The Nulla

Nulla bike is a minimalist bike concept. Nulla is one way of saying “nothing” in Italian. Bradford Waugh named it that way for lack of central hubs or chain-drive, giving it a very minimal visual weight... This futuristic bicycle provides deep coverage, good appearance and comfort perfect for riding and skating. However, it is not sure whether you will have a safe riding with this kind of seat on a bicycle.

It's just a guess, but I think that maybe something was literally lost in translation on this one.

'One' Folding Bicycle

When open, ‘One’ is a comfortable stylish bicycle that not only offers all the benefits of cycling (like cheap travel and exercise) but with its revolutionary power assist system the user can cruise around with ease. When folded, ‘One’ turns into a smooth, light and compact case free of all dirty and protruding parts. ‘One’ can be easily carried, stowed and stored.

Perhaps in the future more highly evolved humans will be as advanced as this folding bike, and finally be free of all dirty and protruding parts... who knows? I always thought folding bikes were kind of weird. This, however, has opened my eyes as wide as this bike's frame-holes! Wow!

Check out this bike design for Polygon which is a combination of standard bike and music player. Today, everyone prefers music while driving, at the gym, at work, on the street or even in library. Music has become the lifestyle of today’s generation and therefore, this bike is designed with the rhythm of today’s lifestyle. There is a music player attached with the adjustable steering and it can turn the energy of the bike into power and automatically store it in the battery which can be later used for light at night and brake light. Style and amazing look is something that this bike surely offers.

This is the most elaborate ipod carrying case I've ever seen! Listening to music while cycling in traffic won't be a bad idea in the future, since the "cars" will all be airborne anyway, and the safety force fields will take over if you don't hear something approaching. The future is gonna rock!

Organik Motion

Organik Motion Is based on a Z-frame concept. It features a fully integrated braking system, integrated front and rear suspension systems, an integrated shaft drive and a height adjustable saddle and handlebars. This comes along with a joystick-mounted gear and break lever system, which is integrated in the ergonomic handlebars. Additionally, the bicycle features a static inner wheel system with safety features such as integrated reflectors on the rotating outer wheels and a taillight, which is mounted in the bike’s frame.

The future is SO INTEGRATED! I can't wait.

What can we learn from these stunning visions of the future? More than you might guess. For starters, the human body is going to change, such that normal people will easily assume aero riding positions that only serious racers can manage for long in these crude times, apparently by developing much longer torsos:

The people of the future, like the people of the present, will have a retro streak, and wear ski helmets in homage to the "snow age", since they can afford a little drag given their low position and streamlined machines:

The future of hubs, spokes and chains doesn't look too good; in fact my best guess is that they get banned for some reason. Although it may seem odd to my feeble brain, I have to trust that a more advanced human race will have good reason to stamp them out in favour of integrated direct drive systems and empty circles.

To my present-day mind it seems that wheels would bend and drivetrains would be impossible to work on, which would be necessary to make them work at all; of course I'm stuck in my stupid reality that doesn't have much in the way of nano-bike-component-robot-drones. The future's hatred of visible moving parts kind of freaks me out - but I know that these machines will be so reliable that understanding how they work will be completely unnecessary, kind of like the political systems in use in most democratic countries today, or you know, laws and all that stuff.

Please don't copy me, but I think I know where to invest my money, thanks to this vision of how bikes will be. Backpacks. I am going to research the hell out of backpack companies, because racks, panniers or baskets will be GONE in the future. Well OK, you can use this info too... but if you blab this all over and drive backpack company stock prices up, I swear, I won't be your friend any more.
I learned not only about the future in my research, but also about the present, by looking at the comments on these designs. I had no idea that so many Engineers browse these designs, or how negative they are. Their "status quo" thinking prompts them to point out all the ways in which the designs couldn't work. These bikes are from the FUTURE! Show some vision, you Internet Engineers. I don't like that lack of vision, but I truly pity the commenters (and there is always at least one) who asks, "Are these available now?" Once again, these are the bikes of the FUTURE!

Keep Looking Forward,

R A N T W I C K

PS - I'm not perfect. If any of you "Are These Available Now" people can find any of these bikes being produced and sold, please accept my apologies. Email me with the information, and I will GIVE you, with no strings attached, every last one of my backpack company shares as a gesture of good will.