Friday, June 25, 2010

Are You #%^&1n' Kiddin' Me #2

I saw this ad on TV recently. I am heavily skeptical.



Here's something from their website:



"hmm..." and highlighting added by me, in case you're dead stupid.


"Results May Vary" seems to be a popular claim among charlatans. Are you hearing me "Ab Exploder" and "Extenze-a-lator"? Are you? AAARRGGGH.

I can believe claims of attracting more birds than other brands, like by producing the birdseed with a loving approach rather than a nihilistic one, (since birds prefer love over nihilism) or perhaps by using some industrial espionage and installing nihilists as employees for your birdseed producing competition. But 2X as many colourful birds? Wah? Are colourful birds attracted to different foods than their more plain cousins? I suppose it could be possible, but somebody would have to show me the data and methodology on this one.

Maybe it was "leaked" (on purpose, perhaps?) that they were making a commercial that day, so all the colourful and bizarre wanna-be Hollywood bird stars came out like it was America's Birds' Got Talent or something.

Oh man, Wait! What if the birdseed works by poisoning the non-colourful birds? That would be terrible. Attractive birds (and people) already have an advantage over the more typical and/or ugly. Killing off the plain birds just seems like adding insult (i.e. death) to injury to me. I'm sure that isn't how the birdseed works. Maybe that's why I don't see certain cartoons on the air any more. They resulted in grownups like me having unhealthy, strange thoughts.


Alright, enough with my crazy and dark thoughts of death by birdseed. A nice big responsible corporation would never dream of such a thing because big corporations care about us and our winged backyard buddies.

I know I'm going out on a limb with this one; there is a possibility that these claims are correct and there is real science to back them up. Ornithologists professional and amateur, please come to my aid in reducing the incredulity that has prompted me to exclaim, "Are You #%^&1n' Kiddin' Me?" once more.


Yer Pal,

R A N T W I C K

6 comments:

Big Oak said...

I'm not a professional ornithologist, but I drank a beer with one once. I believe that the bird food in question has coloring in it, making the birds that feed there more colorful.

Steve A said...

If it actually got rid of grackles legally, Fort Worth would be buying it by the ton. Any colorful birds it attracted would be a bonus.

Kokorozashi said...

I don't know enough about birds to speak with any authority, but I think that certain species are attracted to certain ingredients.

However, I've never seen *anything* -- including the firecrackers that the University of Kentucky in Lexington routinely sets off in their trees to chase off a large and bizarrely-aggressive squirrel population (maybe there's doping in the pro chestnut-gathering ranks and it's 'roid rage???) -- chase off grackles or cowbirds when they want to be somewhere.

I'm with you -- a bit skeptical.

Though, if they really made a product called 'Extenze-A-Lator,' I think I'd have to buy it just for the name.

Doohickie said...

Steve A has it! You have no idea what a pain the butt grackles are if you haven't been invaded by them.

Ugh.

Rantwick said...

I'm starting to think you grackle-pecked Texans would be OK with the poisoned birdseed idea... they must really suck.

John said...

I think the guys arm in the tree top reaching down and the guy under the shrub were creepy.

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