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Friday, June 26, 2009

Got Crack? Fanny Pack!

I've written in the past that I couldn't care less what people wear when they ride, so long as it is safe. That certainly remains true, so I would ask that others don't judge me for what I choose. One item that I use is currently viewed with disdain by many. It is a fanny pack. If you are thinking "huh? I thought fanny packs were alright", you are out of the loop, my friend, and I have the cultural evidence to prove it.

For starters, when self-styled youtube rap stars begin to mock something, you know it's all over:










Now, one might argue that the young and freaky surfing the gnarly waves of youtube culture are not necessarily representative of the greater society, and that might be correct if this evidence of fanny pack dislike was standing alone. However, there is more evidence to consider in this case.

From Gotta Ditch the Fanny Pack, Dude , a 2006 article on wired.com, discussing ways to carry your stuff:



Fanny pack

This is great if you're trying to create a singularity of pure geekness that will open up a portal to an alternate universe where they're still making episodes of Reboot. But if there are even two working neurons in the style portion of your brain, the same neurons that explained that Mr. T's haircut won't look as good on you, then you're going to want to pass on this one. On the other hand, if you've burned those neurons out through years of cosplay, more power to you. Just don't stand near me.

Worst part: Do you really want to appear to have two rear ends?



When you find a self-professed gadget freak bashing fanny packs as being geeky while using some sort of sci-fi trek-speak in order to refer to some nerd show (which rocks, by the way; Can-Con forever, baby!) on the oh-so-hip site wired.com three years ago, you just know something terrible has happened to the fanny pack industry by now.



When something becomes not only unfashionable but also the trademark of a loser, the thing's name itself begins to carry some stigma. When that same thing remains pretty useful to some people (like me) who will continue to buy some of these stigmatized things, merchandisers find it necessary to change the thing's name! Voila! Problem solved! The evidence:

MEC - A Canadian REI-type online store - Waist packs only. Not a fanny in sight (sigh).

MSN Shopping - Despite the browser page title, there's only one "Fanny pack" in the first thirty items. Now, some of those bags are special purpose ones that are not of the classic fanny pack variety, but many of them are fanny packs of the most ordinary kind. Lumbar packs? Waist Bags? C'mon! Are you kidding me?



While I have never claimed or cared to be particularly fashionable, why would I sport an old-fashioned variety of such a reviled item? Because in my case it serves a secret, second purpose. You know there's probably only a few things less fashionable than a fanny pack, and one of them is bicycling butt crack:









Author's note: if you are into making yourself gag, want to have some nightmares later and/or shudder intermittently for several hours, just do a google image search for butt cracks. The pictures above are a walk in the park in comparison.

I live in mortal fear of showing even a hint of butt crack while I'm riding. As a result I have spent much energy pulling the back of my shorts up and the tail of my shirt down over the last several years. The degree to which I have had to do this depends largely on the age of my shorts and the length of my shirt.

I typically wear cycling shorts (yes, the spandex with chamois deal) and some sort of cheap polyester/wicking material sport shirt when I ride. Even though I'm usually not going too far, I prefer to sweat in clothes that I won't be wearing all day at work.

I haven't ever purchased a true cycling jersey, since I figure that their main feature, the wicking away of moisture, can be accomplished well enough by the aforementioned cheap stuff. One thing that most jerseys have that cheap shirts lack is a pocket (or pockets) in the back to carry a few things in. If you are a jersey wearer, please let me know if I'm missing something important or extra good about them.



W A R N I N G


The following content contains images of Rantwick's fat ass. You have hereby been notified of the impending danger, and by scrolling downward or proceeding to read this material you are waiving any right to pursue damages against Rantwick for psychological, retinal, gastrointestinal or any other injury or trauma.

I found an old fanny pack around the house and started using it a couple of weeks ago. Beyond being a handy place for wallet, phone, etc., it holds the back of my shirt down perfectly, so it never creeps up while I ride, and no one, including me, has any worries about any posterior peek-a-boo action. The proof:





All hail the Anti-crack Fanny Pack! Now that has a ring to it, unlike "Anti-crack waist bag"... that just sounds like some sort of messed up social worker. I should go into marketing.


If you haven't been too traumatized, come visit me again some time.


R A N T W I C K




PS - I would certainly be remiss if I didn't thank my wife for helping me with this post. I got home first. Having just picked up the kids and while getting out of the car, the first thing she heard from me was "I need you to take pictures of my ass, on my bike, from behind, before I get changed". Without batting an eyelid, she took the camera from me and said "OK, what do you need?" I told her what to shoot and why we were doing it, and she did it without any fuss at all. Now that's love, friend of mine, uh huh.

12 comments:

CarFree Stupidity said...

One solution could a onesie. You know... those old style one-piece underwear with the butt flap that unbuttons.

That would take care of both the ass-crack and the moisture problem.

Rantwick said...

Onesie... you know, I kind of miss snaps. Why do grownups have to live without snaps, while babies and children get to have them? Why?

Yokota Fritz said...

The article is bad enough, and then I get to the comments and you're talking about onesies with snaps!

Rantwick said...

Yeah. Isn't the Internet great?

Robert H said...

No.

Rantwick said...

C'mon, captain buzz kill. You know you love it.

Rat Trap Press said...

Awesome! That's a great solution to your particular problem. I suggest wearing socks with sandals as a complement to your fanny pack.

cafiend said...

Waaa ha ha ha ha! This one's a classic.

Rantwick said...

Classic. Oh yeah. Socks and sandals... I know some people swear by those spd sandals, but I just don't know. I'll have to save those for church.

ChipSeal said...

Treat that gal of yours well, Rantwick, she's mighty special!

Rantwick said...

ChipSeal, I am 100% sure of very few things. She is one of them.

Steve A said...

My comment was slow in coming, but I think you'll agree it was well considered...

Heh heh.

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