Encounters with Rantwick, episode twelve: Kicking the Wagon to Tip the Bucket Fantastic

Euphemisms are fun. Like "kick the bucket" (die) or "fall off the wagon" (start drinking again) or "trip the light fantastic" (dance). Metaphors are also good, like "that Mrs. Rantwick is a gem" or "that RANTWICK is a hog" or "A rose by any other name flocks together". That last one was a mixed metaphor, as you no doubt know. They happen, especially to politicians. Much more rare is the mixed euphemism. Now, you might hear somebody speak a mixed euphemism once in a while, but witnessing one happen out in the world is something else entirely. Last Friday I got to see a crazy mixed euphemism, acted out LIVE! Now I'm gonna make you see it too!

See? She kicked the wagon to tip the bucket fantastic! A LIVE mix of no less than three euphemisms. You don't see one of those every day, no sir! Unless you start coming back to this post every day. Then you would, but you would also be pretty freaky, so don't do that.

There is other business I must take care of now. The Rantwick clan is going on vacation! It feels like it has been forever since we got away. We're going to camp. Not that we will be camping. In my home town of Thunder Bay, Ontario, everybody calls cottages "camps"; as in I'm going out to the camp this weekend. When I was a kid the dirt road to our family camp was so narrow that leaves came in the windows of the car sometimes. These days the road is paved and wide enough for two cars to pass each other pretty safely. I kind of wish it could have stayed the way it is in my childhood memories, but that isn't how things work. In any case, I can't wait to be travelling that road once more with my own kids. We're bringing bikes to ride up and down those hills and twists and turns both familiar and nostalgic; I can't wait.

There's a Scottish euphemism for dying that I learned from reading Iain Banks; "Away the Crow Road". Now I'm gonna mix up a new euphemism of my own... I'll be "Away the Camp Road", my very own brand new euphemism for getting away from it all. Have fun while I'm gone, and I'll be back to announce the winner of the Obstructionist Art contest in mid July.

Yer Pal,

R A N T W I C K

18 Days in Jail for Taking the Lane

This is the story of my man ChipSeal from Texas. No offense to all my nice Texan cyclist readers (of which there are a few), but if I ever visit Texas, I'll fly there on a plane and drive a car. I pretty much never swear on this blog, but Holy Shit! 18 days in jail, springing from the simple fact that you pissed off some drivers and cops by taking the lane somewhere they didn't figure you should?

Use my donate button. Bail was originally set at $5,000! It was for some form of not attending court charge (I think) that is nonsense because my man ChipSeal craves his day(s) in court. Thank goodness it was dropped to $300 and some good people who know ChipSeal made a trip and got him the **** out of there.

Right now, details are scarce, (latest here) but the big court date is July 29. I will publish more details as I am able. I have passed from disdain to disbelief to speechless consternation on this one. What the hell is going on when a dude like this can get treated this way for riding his bike "wrong"? Grrr.

Yer Pal,

R A N T W I C K

Are You #%^&1n' Kiddin' Me #2

I saw this ad on TV recently. I am heavily skeptical.

Here's something from their website:

"hmm..." and highlighting added by me, in case you're dead stupid.

"Results May Vary" seems to be a popular claim among charlatans. Are you hearing me "Ab Exploder" and "Extenze-a-lator"? Are you? AAARRGGGH.

I can believe claims of attracting more birds than other brands, like by producing the birdseed with a loving approach rather than a nihilistic one, (since birds prefer love over nihilism) or perhaps by using some industrial espionage and installing nihilists as employees for your birdseed producing competition. But 2X as many colourful birds? Wah? Are colourful birds attracted to different foods than their more plain cousins? I suppose it could be possible, but somebody would have to show me the data and methodology on this one.

Maybe it was "leaked" (on purpose, perhaps?) that they were making a commercial that day, so all the colourful and bizarre wanna-be Hollywood bird stars came out like it was America's Birds' Got Talent or something.

Oh man, Wait! What if the birdseed works by poisoning the non-colourful birds? That would be terrible. Attractive birds (and people) already have an advantage over the more typical and/or ugly. Killing off the plain birds just seems like adding insult (i.e. death) to injury to me. I'm sure that isn't how the birdseed works. Maybe that's why I don't see certain cartoons on the air any more. They resulted in grownups like me having unhealthy, strange thoughts.

Alright, enough with my crazy and dark thoughts of death by birdseed. A nice big responsible corporation would never dream of such a thing because big corporations care about us and our winged backyard buddies.

I know I'm going out on a limb with this one; there is a possibility that these claims are correct and there is real science to back them up. Ornithologists professional and amateur, please come to my aid in reducing the incredulity that has prompted me to exclaim, "Are You #%^&1n' Kiddin' Me?" once more.

Yer Pal,

R A N T W I C K