Euphemisms are fun. Like "kick the bucket" (die) or "fall off the wagon" (start drinking again) or "trip the light fantastic" (dance). Metaphors are also good, like "that Mrs. Rantwick is a gem" or "that RANTWICK is a hog" or "A rose by any other name flocks together". That last one was a mixed metaphor, as you no doubt know. They happen, especially to politicians. Much more rare is the mixed euphemism. Now, you might hear somebody speak a mixed euphemism once in a while, but witnessing one happen out in the world is something else entirely. Last Friday I got to see a crazy mixed euphemism, acted out LIVE! Now I'm gonna make you see it too!
See? She kicked the wagon to tip the bucket fantastic! A LIVE mix of no less than three euphemisms. You don't see one of those every day, no sir! Unless you start coming back to this post every day. Then you would, but you would also be pretty freaky, so don't do that.
There is other business I must take care of now. The Rantwick clan is going on vacation! It feels like it has been forever since we got away. We're going to camp. Not that we will be camping. In my home town of Thunder Bay, Ontario, everybody calls cottages "camps"; as in I'm going out to the camp this weekend. When I was a kid the dirt road to our family camp was so narrow that leaves came in the windows of the car sometimes. These days the road is paved and wide enough for two cars to pass each other pretty safely. I kind of wish it could have stayed the way it is in my childhood memories, but that isn't how things work. In any case, I can't wait to be travelling that road once more with my own kids. We're bringing bikes to ride up and down those hills and twists and turns both familiar and nostalgic; I can't wait.
There's a Scottish euphemism for dying that I learned from reading Iain Banks; "Away the Crow Road". Now I'm gonna mix up a new euphemism of my own... I'll be "Away the Camp Road", my very own brand new euphemism for getting away from it all. Have fun while I'm gone, and I'll be back to announce the winner of the Obstructionist Art contest in mid July.
R A N T W I C K